My Big Blue Eyes

I was first victimised of bullying when I was at primary school, I was 9 years old. I was bullied by an older girl who was getting ready to leave for secondary school, her name was Faye and she was 4 years older than me. She bullied me for my big blue eyes, along with everyone else. I would go home crying to my mum every single day and she would tell me the same thing over and over, "Everyone wants big eyes, they're jealous." It wasn't until I was a lot older and started discovering the beauty industry that I realised that my mum was in fact right, but then again mum's always are! 

This girl would follow me, push and shove me around and spread rumours about me (bare in mind I had only just turned 9 years of age.) She eventually left, but then of course I was going to the same secondary school as her. She lived in the same village as me and we had to even share the same bus. I felt even more unsafe as of course my mum couldn't get on the school bus with me every single day for the next 5 years of my life. This girl made me feel so scared, to the extent I would physically throw up every single morning from anxiety because I was just waiting to get hit. I would constantly shake, look pale as if I'd just seen a ghost and constantly jump at everything. This is all because of my big beautiful blue eyes - insane huh? Although I was absolutely petrified of going to school, I still went. I held my head high and IGNORED them. Eventually she got bored because I done exactly just that, ignored. But that was just the start for me... 

Every day there would be someone new about the same thing, my big beautiful blue eyes. When I was in year 7 I also got bullied by 6th formers. They would do things like spread all of their bags on any spare seats on the bus so I had to stand the whole journey home. They would widen their eyes at me (as if to say my eyes were really big), talk about me so blatantly but make out like I wasn't even there, and would literally just start on me. I was just an 11 year old girl who just wanted to go to school and makes friends and be happy. Of course I had my friends, well, I thought I did but now I see that I only ever had one friend at school and that is Katrina. She fought my corner whenever I needed her. A real soul sister, even to this very day. I have 3 real friends in my life. You will come to find this yourself. Anyway, they eventually got bored themselves and stopped. 

Never let anyone know that they're effecting you, because thats what they want. I would only ever cry when I got home to my mum. Still, that wasn't even the worst for me. The real bullying for me was started by my so called 'friends'. The ones who hightened my anxiety so much that I was forced to go to counselling when I was 16 years old. As much as I would love to name and shame, I won't because that means they will get attention and they don't deserve it. They will know as well as their mothers, who have also bullied me, yep! - (full grown women who are in their 40's with children) when they read this themselves. Even though I still got the odd abuse here and there, everything was fine for me once I'd settled into secondary school a bit more. Until we grew a bit older and got ourselves involved with boys, etc.

So, It was a normal day, I went to school, got off the bus, walked up to my friends and no one was talking to me, they didn't even acknowledge that I was there. As much as I wanted to cry, I just walked off with my head held high and got on with my day at school. I ate my lunch in the girls toilets by myself. They would leave me out of everything and now I see why. Boys were now involved and well of course they wanted all of the attention. They would constantly post on social media, pictures of everyone together. They would all stand in a line and hold hands to join up so I couldn't get through. I had death threats, vile messages every single day, followed and circled constantly, chanted at and had pictures taken of me and posted online. I remember clear as day being followed by the whole of year 9 and circled, I was spat at, I had people in my face asking me why I've said something which I didn't (one of my 'friends' said I had said something which was not true). The Headteacher heard and saw all of this going on and of course came out to get me. She rang my mum to come in and explained that this was the worst case of bullying she had ever witnessed in her whole 30 years of schooling. I even had my 'friends' egg my house. They would wait outside of my house and tip toe around my garden at night. The most frustrating thing was that even though I was the victim and all I ever did was ignore, everything always seemed to get turned around on me. That's what bullies do, they torment you and make out that you're the one in the wrong, you're the bully. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm an angel, because I'm most certainly not. I have done and said things just like everyone else but I've only ever hurt someone if they hurt me. Of course now that I'm older and definately a lot more wiser, I keep my mouth shut, well I try too - I'm still learning. I put up with a lot of shit for years, I used to cry a lot and with tears, comes anger. People would forget what they did to me but I had no problem reminding them. I've had nudes exposed by a boyfriend who I trusted with my heart and spread around by 'friends' - which by the way, have taken nudes themselves. Would you feel so superior if I exposed yours? It was just typical that I was the one who got victimised again. Can I also say that this wasn't just girls that bullied me. I was physically and mentally abused by a 'man' -  I'm not saying it's okay, however bruises fade, but the pain still remains the same. Mental abuse is worse in my eyes. I will touch on that in another post.       

I cannot stress enough to those who are being bullied or are overcoming bullying just how much it is all worth it in the end. The tears and the scars. I can sit here until I'm blue in the face and tell you that you're only ever bullied by those who are painfully jealous of you. I've had people apologise and tell me that. You won't believe me but if you're going through this, you will realise it one day and you will look back and smile, just like I did. If you need to breakdown and cry, whatever you do, don't let them see your tears, just as long as you TELL someone. I cannot stress how important it is to tell someone that you trust, whether It's a parent, a friend or a teacher, just let someone know what's going on. Don't ever give bullies what they want. The satisfaction that they get from bullying you, soon turns around, trust me. I am now a strong minded woman who knows exactly what I want and what I don't want. I look in the mirror and I FUCKING LOVE what I see. Big beautiful blue eyes, which I'll continue to flutter because I think they are beautiful, along with everything else. This road hasn't been an easy one, it still effects me mentally but I've come really, really far and I'm proud of that, I'm proud of me. I will never let anyone bully me again, I know my worth and that's all that matters.